Miami Golf Invitational – Report Card

By Golf Legend Johnny Miller

I ran into this Motley Crew at the Fort Lauderdale Airport Sunday night. Because of a delayed flight, I had to hear every detail of every match and the before and after events of each day. Here is my summary.

Team TK:

CRAIG GOLENO

B+ Although he was named Most Valuable Player, Goleno beat lower-tier players Sam Messina and Lance Bass. His only match against low-cappers was against Allen Grant-Brooks Gard and lost 5 and 4 with Todd Keiper on his team. Goleno’s off-course behavior was improved this year. His overall game is improving, and this was his first winning record ever! But, again, his wins came on the White Tees. He also took a cheap shot at Captain Mez with reckless golf cart behavior, and I don’t give anyone an A.

MIKE LYNCH

B- Spent a lot of time in bed including a 14-hour marathon on Friday, but picked up a few tabs and has made good. Lynch pounded Smiley in singles, but Smiley was winless all week. He rode the coat-tails of Burt Keiper in his victory on Day One. His slow play needs to be addressed, as only Ben Crane on the PGA Tour takes more time over every shot. He spent have his matches “on the clock.”

JAY DOB.

B Anyone that takes down the veteran Allen Grant is high on my list of great players. JD quietly plugged along all week. Slept in quite a few times missing morning coffee poolside, but managed to log in some decent black jacket efforts and gym time. He skipped South Beach as a rookie that cost him a little bit in the overall grading.

CAPTAIN TODD KEIPER

B- As group organizer, TK is always the man. But, this was his worst on-course effort in decades after a 1-2 record. His only victory was against the winless Lance Bass. TK lost 3 and 1 to McLovin and was hammered against The Killer G’s of Gard-Grant from the Blue Tees. TK jumped up with Corona Night, the team shirts, and of course paying for Gol all week when he passed out at dinner. TK also struggled losing the first Credit Card Roulette of the week.

JEFF BRETT

B After an 0-3 in 2010, Brett bounced back with a victory Day One shooting 88 – the first time in the 80s since 1980s. He managed to win several big SKINS as well netting enough money to send a kid to Spa Therapy Trade School. Mr. Cigar also led the crew to the Havana Store on Main Street. He handled South Beach well for a senor veteran.

BURT KEIPER

A- He was clearly the comeback Player of the Year after going 0-3 last year in his sophomore season. BK set the stage Day One single-handedly beating the Super Team of McLovin-Grant. He fired 87 and led his team to a 9-under through 11 that round. Keiper (2-0-1) was strong off-the-course as well until his frightening, late-night, meltdown pizza fetish on South Beach. He won’t be criticized for his Busch League move during Friday’s “concession putt.”

TODD MEJAC

C Great rookie debut with a 1-1-1 record. The veterans really helped by leading him around the course. He struggled with the dress code on South Beach and at Shula’s Steakhouse refusing to depart with his flip-flops. Clearly, he had the prettiest teeth on the trip. He logged hundreds of minutes of cell phone time with his wife. But, he partied into South Beach like a champion.

Team MEZ:

CAPTAIN GARY MEZ

D Clearly, Mez was under the influence of something, perhaps a medical-dosage issue. He appeared to be self-medicating, especially after dumping red wine on the table at Shula’s Steak House at the final dinner.  His on-the-course game struggled as well – losing to the team of Goleno-Mejac Day One, unprecedented.

SAM MESSINA

C Refused to play low-cappers, so his record was tainted. His victory against Jeff Brett was telegraphed after JB clearly used up all his best shots with a Day One 88.  He shifted the overall momentum Friday, after being called out on a self-concession putt. Sam struggled with a credit card roulette lose (his first in the MGI history) and just wouldn’t let it go, questioning the management staff at Shula2 the next day about the bill.

ALLEN GRANT

C Hard to critique the prettiest swing I have even seen. He thumped the new R11 outdriving everyone. He teamed with Brooks to hammer Goleno-TK 5 and 4 from the tips for his only win. His short game was rusty, but managed a skin this trip which I understand was his first ever. Being overly aggressive cost him a single’s match after being 2UP through 6 on Saturday. The “Another Sausage Fest” tee-shirt was nice and, of course, returning to Vegas without any packed clothes is impressive. He also lost at credit card roulette Friday (his first in MGI history)and that was a setback.

LANCE BASS

D- Last year’s Rookie of the Year struggled with a sophomore slump. He called out Goleno Saturday and was hammered wire-to-wire 4 and 3. Bass was also drummed by TK during Psycho Singles Day One. His political and religious rant during the Champions Dinner put BK and others to sleep, while energizing Lynch to make a $1,000 donation. I hope the kid makes it back in 2012.

BROOKS GARD

B+ He was named Rookie of the Year at the Champions Dinner.  I strongly believe that the honor should have gone to someone on the winning team.  After losing Day one, he finished with victories Friday and Saturday. Brooks collected a few skins, and won the Credit Card Roulette “first out” opening day. He skipped South Beach, but his mustache was classic if not insulting to many in South Florida.

McMullin

B Rookie effort included some impressive iron shots, but struggled with the pressure of the moment against high cappers. His record included a 3 and 1 win over MGI Hall-of-Famer Todd Keiper on Saturday Singles, but his lose in the partner dream team match of Grant-McLovin where Grant claims to have routinely out drove him may have worn on his mental fabric of the game. He butchered his role as a rookie credit card roulette “host” by using a tin can instead of a hat and drawing too fast, and winning the “first out” prize. Single handedly managed to set forth a new rule that rookies are no longer be allowed to handle such an important function. He invented the Meat Whistle during a Coors Light binge to go along with his Swing Whistle in a combo deal.  I understand it is an unusual combination, but everyone needs a add on product during the infomercial.

BRETT SMILEY

D The only player to go winless at 0-2-1 this week, Smiley struggled in Saturday Singles against Lynch’s slow-paying strategy.  He also deprived the group of the “Smiley Burn” – the traditional 8th-degree burn on the back of his neck. Smiley’s off course activities including the stylist hat which played well on South Beach. His accident during a routine grooming session required a number of stitches and ruined a goose-down pillow in his room.

Written by Allen Grant, and edited by Gol Films Productions.

The thoughts above are not expressed or recognized by Johnny Miller.

Johnny Miller meets some of the MGI Group